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So... I had so many deep thoughts prepared to write about and then my laptop decided to take a fucking decade to boot up and get to my blog. Seriously, I think I have a couple white hairs now. I know I need a new one... the battery doesn't even stay charged anymore, which is driving me nuts! Absolutely batty I tell you. So now all my good thoughts are a jumbled mess and I want to just rant and rant and rant about about technology... and a stiff drink would also be appreciated.

I will say, and I may have mentioned this before, that happiness is all our own doing. I took a cold shower earlier because it's been super hot here and just stuck my face in the icy spray for a good five minutes. I couldn't help but be pulled back to my memories of swimming regularly as a child and while it wasn't my favorite thing then it might just be now. That first plunge into an empty pool, the weightlessness that I can only describe as freedom. Thinking about it made something in me twinge with longing. I've been in a lot of pain lately, the fibromyalgia is doing a number on my leg and feet joints lately but really everything on me has been at some level of pain. Going from a relatively stationary year to suddenly working and standing for seven eight hour shifts in a row is hard.

So the thought of that weightlessness, that sense of freedom of the aches and pains that have been plaguing me sounds... I wish I could say 'serene' or 'perfect' but really all I can think of is 'unbelievable' or 'absurd.' I suppose that's because I don't really know who I am without this constant pain. I would love it if it vanished suddenly... but I know that isn't going happen and I think it would take some getting used to. I am not a complainer... I tend to just bottle everything up and put on a happy smile for the world to see because despite my pain and because I know I am stronger than it I am a happy person. "It could always be worse." Is something I tell myself when the pain is at it's worst.

An optimistic realist with a dreamer complex and a touch of OCD on the side would be an apt classification.

On that note, I think I've written a bit of the pain away so I'm going to try to get some shut eye. I have the place to myself for the next two weeks starting tomorrow!

Squee!
stardustnpoppycock: (Default)
So this is my first blog. I suppose it will contain bits about me and my life, random musings of the absurd, contemplation on the meaning of life and all sorts of jazz. I'm a rather complex individual, hard to read past my sunny disposition. I'm funny and kind on the outside but deep down I'm constantly analyzing everything from people to situations. For now I'll skip the tales of my sordid past as I'm sure they will pop up in future posts. I'm not even sure that people will see this blog, the closest thing to a diary I've ever kept. I've always been so closed off, it's about time I got some of my shit out there for the world to see(or not see.) I'm hoping this will be something therapeutic.

Tonight, I am filled with a certain sense of glee and contentment with life... something I just now realized I'm feeling. It startled me a bit at first because the last time I recall feeling this way was when I was 18 and starting college, leaving behind all that high school drama and starting fresh with 24 college credits already under my belt.(I was always a good student.) So much shit has come my way since then and it wasn't until this past year that I realized I was blaming the "wicked" world for all my woes as if I had no fault in the matter. "Innocent! The victim!" Seriously, it was pathetic. Now I've had my therapy and have really been looking hard at myself, something I had always dreaded doing. Afraid of my own demons I suppose. I ambled around in life desperately wanting to figure out just who the fuck I was, thinking someone someday would hold all the answers for me... If only life were that easy.

Anyways I'm getting off track here. I swear this was supposed to be a "feel good" moment. I was driving home from work, buzzing with such contentment. I realized how utterly happy with the way my life is going after the shitstorm I survived. I'm going back to school in the fall, working to finish my bachelors in psychology. I have a job that I rather enjoy, getting to be social and helping people in a home improvement store. Now it isn't all sunshine and kittens, nothing is ever fucking perfect. I had to move back home and am currently living with my mother, which is a relationship that still needs work. I have like one friend, who is my ex. Yeah... Even thinking about that can't get me down right now.

Perhaps some of us spend our whole lives looking for who we really are as individuals but I believe even more never truly take the time to figure it out. Try sitting alone in silence for five minutes, just thinking. If you can't handle being alone with yourself and your thoughts perhaps you still have some searching to do.

I recently read a quote by Louise Hay that ties into what has changed about me as a person. "I don't fix problems, I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves." Anyone relate to that? Well I got my jollies out. Stay tuned... I might delve into some deep stories about my life or offer up some curious observations about the way I view the world.

Toodles, dearies!

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Whitney

July 2014

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