stardustnpoppycock: (pic#8103343)
[personal profile] stardustnpoppycock
So... I had so many deep thoughts prepared to write about and then my laptop decided to take a fucking decade to boot up and get to my blog. Seriously, I think I have a couple white hairs now. I know I need a new one... the battery doesn't even stay charged anymore, which is driving me nuts! Absolutely batty I tell you. So now all my good thoughts are a jumbled mess and I want to just rant and rant and rant about about technology... and a stiff drink would also be appreciated.

I will say, and I may have mentioned this before, that happiness is all our own doing. I took a cold shower earlier because it's been super hot here and just stuck my face in the icy spray for a good five minutes. I couldn't help but be pulled back to my memories of swimming regularly as a child and while it wasn't my favorite thing then it might just be now. That first plunge into an empty pool, the weightlessness that I can only describe as freedom. Thinking about it made something in me twinge with longing. I've been in a lot of pain lately, the fibromyalgia is doing a number on my leg and feet joints lately but really everything on me has been at some level of pain. Going from a relatively stationary year to suddenly working and standing for seven eight hour shifts in a row is hard.

So the thought of that weightlessness, that sense of freedom of the aches and pains that have been plaguing me sounds... I wish I could say 'serene' or 'perfect' but really all I can think of is 'unbelievable' or 'absurd.' I suppose that's because I don't really know who I am without this constant pain. I would love it if it vanished suddenly... but I know that isn't going happen and I think it would take some getting used to. I am not a complainer... I tend to just bottle everything up and put on a happy smile for the world to see because despite my pain and because I know I am stronger than it I am a happy person. "It could always be worse." Is something I tell myself when the pain is at it's worst.

An optimistic realist with a dreamer complex and a touch of OCD on the side would be an apt classification.

On that note, I think I've written a bit of the pain away so I'm going to try to get some shut eye. I have the place to myself for the next two weeks starting tomorrow!

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July 2014

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